I have written many blogs for Spurs News and always around various topics at Spurs but today its going to be a little personal. I have had (and sadly it is not looking like its going to be over anytime soon) one of the toughest times of my life in this past week. A person very close to me who suffers with mental illness tried to take her own life. She did it in such a way that sadly even while in hospital in an induced coma with all of the doctors and medicines there are its simply a waiting game to see if at any moment she passes away.
I work full time, I am self employed and anyone who is that will know time off is a premium. Me stopping working literally means no money, not just for me though but for the people who work for me too. Its a big responsibility, one that means no matter what is happening in my personal life I have to compartmentalise it and push on. I have this week slept a total of 8 hours. I know this because when I have drifted off to sleep be it intended or at my desk I have been woken suddenly by that feeling of sheer dread that if I close my eyes, if I stop being focused that person will suddenly no longer be there.
Why am I revealing this? I guess because I know many people have tough times and maybe it will help them to know through the smiles others are having one too. I sure as shit don’t anyone to feel sorry for me, please do not, this is life, we all have stuff to deal with. I guess I feel its important because when I am reading the doomsday comments and reaction to football results this past week I simply have not been as animated as I normally am.
I love my football team, I dedicate so many hours per week to following them and I (for all my moaning) enjoy interacting with fellow fans… it is the best things about the Facebook page, like having a pub full of Spurs fans, loads of opinions, debate and its good. I have I hope changes a few peoples minds on a few topics and I know many times I have had my mind changed on certain things.
Just losing to Burnley and Chelsea in a matter of days and then scraping a draw against Arsenal… well that kind week would have been enough to send me into a ‘season over’ style rant any other time but today I sit her typing this I feel pretty calm. In fact I feel tired and a little numb.
Mental health is something that is spoken about so much more now and that is great however there are still people who suffer day in and day out and do not tell anyone. This person who is close to me I have known for two decades of her suffering but sadly there is only so much you can do.
Now I wait. I am here at the hospital again as I type this listening to the machines beep and her laboured breath and I have no idea if she will ever open her eyes again, talk to me again and if she does what do I say. Am I happy she is with me, angry she did this.. can you be angry at someone who truly has no control over their actions?
The one thing I do know as I sit here is that I do not care so much tonight that we are in a bad patch of form. I do not care about the results of late but I do still very much care about Tottenham Hotspur. Throughout my life, good and bad its been a constant. A team is for life and on to many occasions I think that is forgotten when stressing about results or trophies or new stadiums.
Fingers crossed the person I am here supporting will wake up soon and when she does I can tell her Spurs have had a crap week and I already know what she will say. she will say; “Yeah but they will probably win the next one and you will feel better…” and she would be right.
I do not know if she can sense me here or not. I do not know if my support in this moment actually will do any good but I am not going to stop. Nor will I ever stop supporting my team, win lose or draw.
Thank you all for reading.
-SJ
